


With All My Heart

by ClaireFisher



Category: Psych (TV 2006)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Kisses, Married Couple, Post-Season/Series Finale, Pre-Movie: Psych 2: Lassie Come Home, Romance, Scars, Shules, open heart surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26885470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaireFisher/pseuds/ClaireFisher
Summary: Shawn was scared and she knew it, she had seen it in his eyes, seen it when he stepped away from the few people gathered in a small conversion back at the bullpen, celebrating their last solved case.It was his heart.He was having chest pain.Or, when Juliet finally discovers the story behind Shawn's scar.
Relationships: Juliet O'Hara/Shawn Spencer
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	With All My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Well, I wasn't intending on posting anything today but, as I went thought my driver I realized it was time to post something new and unload it a little. 
> 
> This fic started as a conversation between me and my best friend Carol (I love you twin, you know that <3) about James Roday's scar. I know that a lot of people already wrote about this subject, gifting us with incredible fanfictions, but I still felt like I could explore it through Shawn's lens. Well, my bestie just happens to be a doctor so I kindly used her expertise to bring this story to life and I'm proud to say that, although this is not James' real condition and the culprit of him having to go under open heart surgery, all the medical information provided in here is a 100% accurate! 
> 
> Also, married Shules of course, and the support I know they give to each other no matter what. 
> 
> Fingers crossed this piece turned out fine and, in a way, believable. 
> 
> That all said, I really hope you enjoy it and please, leave a comment. I'll love to hear your opinion, suggestion, or anything else you feel like. :)
> 
> Carol, this one is totally dedicated to you <3

Shawn stood in front of his bathroom mirror, shirt unbuttoned just enough to expose the upper part of his chest. He sighed, threatened by his own reflection, his eyes lost between earlier that day and almost twelve years back when he was just too young to understand the consequences of the life he had chosen for himself. 

With trembling hands, he touched the skin, marked by that long and pinkish scar that has been accompanying him since he was 22 years old. Now it was fully healed and the surgery was just a memory but, as the events of that day traveled back to his mind, Shawn couldn't avoid the icy shiver from running down his spine. 

He passed his hand nervously through his hair, taking one last burning glance at his image before it all became too much, too scary, and he collapsed in his own fear, his arms stretched, palms planted on the cold surface of the marble sink, supporting his weight, his head down, eyes closed, his mind reliving those unpleasant weeks of July, back in Houston. 

The unclear images of his path between that strange and isolated diner to the ambulance, people poking and pressing his chest so hard he could barely breathe. The white walls and strong lights, the smell of sanitizers and blue scrubs, all a blur. The only thing he was certain about was the pain, the excruciating pain pressing down his chest. 

The beeping, the IV, the post-op, two weeks on a bed. He would fade in and out, the painkillers too strong, making his thoughts hazy and scrambled. Only years later he would be completely sure that his father was there with him, sitting by his side, despite the major fight they have had three and a half years before.

Shawn had left, hopped up on his bike, and traveled all around the West Coast. No phone calls, no emails. Almost two years and the only news Henry had from his son was that Shawn was hospitalized and he should come fast. 

The doctors said a lot. Complicated words, medications compounds, and names he couldn't process properly. It was the first time Shawn truly felt scared for his life, felt death really knocking at his door. And people believed that an experience like that would change him, turn the man-boy into a more conscious and careful person. 

But Shawn liked to live on the edge. Always had

Maybe, with his carefree style of life, he could prove to himself and others that he was perfectly fine and death could never reach him.

His doctor had warned Shawn about the likelihood of recurrence of his condition, especially for someone who had to have surgical intervention. Having another heart attack was still on the books. But he ignored all medical advice, making sure to avoid the possibility of ever considering that his heart could shut down again. 

But when this afternoon happened, Shawn felt the fear return, reaching his throat, clutching it with filthy hands, making it hard to breathe, hard to think. His bathroom suddenly became too small.

He was so lost in his own mind, the man didn’t even notice someone standing behind him. 

Juliet had left the station just a few moments after Shawn had run to their home, arriving in time to watch him hide in their bedroom. She had observed the panic in his eyes and the scene she witnessed previously that day aroused a story it was never told or explained to her before, at least not through Shawn’s words. Henry had filled her in on the basics, but the few times she attempted to dig further into the past facts her husband would make his way around it, avoiding at all cost that subject, bringing a joke, a case, or whatever other distraction to divert her attention from it. 

But now there was no way out, they would have to talk about it. 

From her spot, Jules could only watch his back, covered by his blue shirt warping around the muscles as he bent further down, almost as if he was trying to hide inside that sink. 

Shawn was scared and she knew it, she had seen it in his eyes, seen it when he stepped away from the few people gathered in a small conversion back at the bullpen, celebrating their last solved case. She saw how he masked his pain enough until he felt safe and out of prying eyes. Shawn had grabbed his shirt, clutching at it as if his life depended on that grip, succumbing to a near chair. She watched his nails drag deeper into the fabric until he was practically holding his skin, trying to reach for something his fingers couldn't touch, his hand just above his heart. His breathing short and rapid, his eyes shut tightly and his nose scrunched in a pained expression as the panic started to take over him. 

His heart.

He was having chest pain. 

Jules felt her blood run cold, curdle, her throat getting dry as she pondered if she should reach him or ask for help. But knowing how delicate that subject was to Shawn and how she would probably scare him away, making him hide further inside his shell, she let him be. She wanted to know what really happened all those years ago, to have him explaining that large scar in his chest, to let him allow her in, allow her to help. 

But Shawn had always been a stubborn guy, Juliet knew that going in, and was too proud to show any weakness, mainly because their line of duty demanded them to be strong all the time, walls up constantly. He, never being the biggest fan of showing his emotions, had found comfort in that requirement but also a cloth he could hide underneath. 

Not anymore. 

She was done with letting him shut her out. 

Anyone but her. 

She was his wife, it was time to know the truth. 

Gently, trying her best not to startle him, Juliet stepped further into the room, her hand resting in his back for a few seconds, acknowledging her presence. She watched Shawn’s body stiffen and he turned immediately, surprised by that silent form he didn’t notice entering. 

It took one glance at his eyes and she knew. The bright green faded into a dull grey, the spark, the life in his look, gone as all his fears and anxieties climbed up to the surface. 

Jules had never seen him like that before. 

She had already witnessed his anger, pain, happiness, concern, and another thousand emotions Shawn could express through his captivating smiles and actions, but never that level of fear. At that moment all his walls were down, only a few inches between them, and Juliet was begging for him to not run away. 

The silence was heavy, especially now that he was so quiet. No jokes, no clever comments, no 80’s references, and no childlike joy. 

She breathed in and out one last time before stepping closer, the gap between them small. She could feel his eyes following her every movement, watching her curiously and with caution as her unpredictable movements increased Shawn’s heartbeat. 

“Jules, I...”

She focused her eyes on him, watching the trouble he was having to explain everything that was happening inside his head at the same time he tried to put his wall back again but Juliet wouldn’t let him, not now. 

“Shhh. It’s okay Shawn.”

He raised one of his eyebrows, inquiring his wife about her actions for a split second before her blue eyes burned his face with the flame of emotions inside. He knew he would have to talk about it, there was no way out this time and, honestly, he wanted to. Shawn wanted Jules to understand what happened to him, what was going on in his mind, and not push her away like he previously did every single time she asked him about his scar. But he was terrified and revisiting all those memories, releasing his current feelings would mean admitting them and step over his own pride. He didn’t want Juliet to think he was weak, didn’t want her to think he was scared. 

With a light tug, interlacing her fingers in his, Juliet dragged Shawn toward their bedroom, obliging him to sit on their bed. She mimicked his movement until they were face to face, knees touching. 

Surprisingly, this time, she didn’t see him searching for a pillow to hold, to hide behind. No, instead his eyes focused on his hands for a minute or two before he finally spoke. 

“You saw, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

Her simple statement was enough to increase his breathing and Juliet wished he would just blurt it all out, rip the bandaid and get over with it but she knew better. Conversations like that one took time so she rested a reassuring hand on his knee and waited until he was focused again for her to ask her questions. 

“Shawn...what happened to you?”

“Nothing. Nothing happened.”

“Don’t, Shawn. Please, don’t shut me out, not this time.”

Shawn cleared his throat, regaining his posture, succumbing under her pleading gaze. It was time to overcome his insecurities. He loved Jules. Loved so much that it hurt. And if that meant anything was that he had to allow her to truly see him. His secrets had almost torn them apart, had almost cost their relationship. He wouldn’t let that happen again. She was his wife, part of who he was. They were one now. 

“I-I felt my chest hurt today, back at the station.”

He waited to see if Jules was going to say something but her silence signaled he should proceed.

“It wasn’t as bad as the last time, not even close actually, but it happened and for that moment all came back. All the memories... and it was too much.”

Shawn closed his eyes, his breath more shallow and Juliet increased the grip of her hand on his knee, trying to bring him the best comfort she could without interrupting his speech. 

“What happened the last time?”

His eyes instantly opened, the fear dancing around his iris as he recalled those painful days, but he wanted to tell her, he wanted to let her in and know through him the facts he was sure his father had shared with her previously. 

Shawn needed to tell her and knew she wanted to listen to that story through his point of view.

It was time.

“I was 22, had run away from Santa Barbara for three and a half years. I had quit my last job in Austin and was heading to Houston to meet a friend from high school who had just opened a taco business and was looking for someone to help him. I stopped by a diner on the way there to grab some lunch but I didn’t even have the time to climb out of my bike before it all happened. Next thing I knew I was in an ambulance and a paramedic was pressing my chest.”

“You had a heart attack?”

The sudden presence of Juliet’s voice reminded him she was still there. He repositioned himself a little in the bed, before nodding and proceeding with his narrative.

“Yeah. I had an obstruction of my coronary artery and was put under surgery. Coronary artery bypass graft or CABG for closers. They removed part of the great saphenous vein from my leg and attached it to my aorta, restoring the blood flow. Later the doctor explained to me that this was all caused by a condition called Arteriosclerosis which basically consists of a thickening, loss of elasticity, and calcification of the arterial wall. I stayed in the hospital for two weeks and later I’d know that my father came to visit me. It was the first time he saw me in almost four years and the last one I would see him until I returned to Santa Barbara three years later.”

He abruptly stopped his talking, leaving the room silent and observed Jules absorb all his words, the truth sinking in. Shawn breathed more relieved although not less scared, but at least he had spoken out that threatening story that had been haunting him since he was 22 years old and had never shared with anyone before, not even Gus.

“D-did the doctor say it could happen again?”

It was clear she was suppressing her own fear now, tears pilling up in her eyes, glazing them with a coat of saltwater that shimmered under the lights of the room. But she wouldn't cry, not right now. If she shed any tears the moment would be ruined. She knew how much Shawn worried about her, especially when she cried. 

“He said the surgery was successful but it didn’t prevent it from happening again. He advised me to live a calmer life and always pay attention to my body, be alert for any signs or symptoms that could indicate my heart isn’t beating properly. He said I could experience some chest pain but it shouldn’t be that much alarming if I didn’t present any of the other symptoms.”

“Did you?” - those scaring words spilled out of her mouth before Juliet could refrain them or think if she really wanted to know the answer.

“No.”

She felt a relieved breath escape.

“But he said I should contact a doctor if anything happened, just in case.”

There was so much more to say but Shawn silenced, his posture dropped a bit. For now, it was good enough. His lips were pressed together on a thin line, his eyes unfocused. 

Juliet watched him for a while, processing all that information, trying to suppress her own fear for him, for his health, for his life and instead decided she needed to support him, to show him she was there through thick and thin, just like she had promised on their vows. She needed to assure him he was loved. 

She stood up, once more pulling his hand in a request for him to copy her. Jules stepped closer to him, lifting her hands and resting them on his chest. She could feel the rapid pumping under her palm and listen to the shortened breaths coming from Shawn’s mouth. 

“May I?”

Her hands moved closer to the buttons of his shirt and Shawn quickly wrapped her writs, preventing her from moving any further. 

“Jules…”

“Please?”

She watched him gaze at her for a second before nodding, releasing his grip and dropping his arms to his side. Slowly, Jules started to unbutton his shirt, exposing the skin underneath and along with it the large scar extending from a little under his neck all the way to his upper stomach. Gently she pushed the fabric away, leaving his torso shirtless and clear. 

Shawn’s gaze never left her, watching her movements with curiosity and fear, but quietly caving to her pleading eyes. He watched her breathe in and out like she had been doing since she first stepped inside that room. 

Juliet delicately touched his chest, running her index finger through all the extension of his scar, inspecting it carefully, studying each calloused and regenerated skin, up and down, meticulously observing the lighter straight marks signing where the stitches were once positioned. 

He closed his eyes the instant her hand found his skin, shivers running all over him. Never in his life, he had experienced that level of vulnerability. Allowing Jules to touch his scar was allowing her to see and touch his most faulty part, the one he was most protective of, the one that terrified him the most. It was a level of intimacy nothing else could replicate. 

Satisfied with her analysis, Jules did something Shawn would never expect, she leaned in and kissed his scar, kind and tender, from the top to the bottom of it, small kisses to reassure him of her love, her presence, her care. 

Shawn couldn’t hide his surprise and as her lips gently touched his skin he never felt more loved in his entire life. Jules had his back, always, and now she was once more proving to him she would never run away, she would never leave. He saw her love flowing out through her kisses and there he knew telling her that story, allowing her to see his heart, was the best decision he ever made. Carefully, Shawn caressed the soft blonde curls of his wife, dragging her attention back at him. 

Jules lifted her head, observing Shawn’s eyes slowly melt, the clouds dissipating, and the bright green of his irises finally returning. Unwilling, her lips curled up in a small but reassuring smile and she proceeded to leave one last loving kiss on Shawn’s lips before enveloping his body with her arms in a tight hug. 

Immediately he wrapped her back, allowing him to lose himself in her scent and love. For that moment nothing else existed, no preoccupation, no fear, it’s just them. 

A minute later, Jules stepped away, detangling her from Shawn just enough to drag them back to the bed. This time both laid there, in silence, her head resting against his chest, her ear above his heart, listening to the constant heartbeat which calmed her own, reassuring the woman that everything would be okay. 

Shawn had moved his hand back to her hair, caressing it like he did every night before they went to sleep. It was his way to show he cared, that he loved her and Jules wouldn’t want it any other way. She let him lully her to a calmer mood, to drift her away from the world, just for a little while.

“I’m scared, Jules”

She opened her eyes, her fingers moving to trace reassuring patterns on his chest. 

It was rare for Shawn to be so candid about how he felt, but when he did, it was powerful. The vulnerability he had shown that day, proved once more the amount of trust he had in her and the deepness of his love. 

“I know. I’m scared too. But I’m here with you and everything is going to be okay.”

She felt him nodding, his breathing now even and calmer. 

Shawn planted a soft kiss on top of her head and proceeded to continue to brush his fingers through her hair.

“Tomorrow morning we will go see the doctor.” 

“Jules…”

“Shawn, you know we need to go. It’s gonna be okay and I’ll be there with you the entire time. I won’t let go of your hand.”

“Promise?”

His raw fear, never more evident than in that single word. 

“Promise.”

Her hand moved, searching for his free one and immediately she laced her fingers with his, a comforting grip that meant so much more than just a simple touch, golden bands shining under the light, reminding them of their eternal commitment. 

They were each other's safe shore, the certainty that they were protected as long as they were together. 

“I love you, Jules, with all my heart.”

She smiled, snuggling further into his embrace. 

“I love you too Shawn, with all my heart.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know that there were a lot of openings for me to insert some humor or the way Shawn constantly pretends to lack knowledge about some subject or basic info, but I wanted to show his vulnerability, to bring out his fear and serious side. I hope I didn't portray him too occ. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Means so much <3


End file.
